But as they say there is a specific time, place and situations for specific events to occur. May be I was not just ready to receive the experiences and impressions that have changed my life and are still changing my life.
As destiny would have it, it took me almost 7 more years to have that defining first experience, a touch of divine that changes everything and the point in time after which the character of one's life changes forever. Meanwhile, 'I' had become a husband, a father, a successful worker and I had all the things that are usually affixed to a man after acquisition of such labels.
We were in America. All was going well. As per my desire I had transitioned into a 'permannent' job after going there on temporary project. We were also on a path to 'permannent' residency. All roads seemed long but clear. For the first time I was having a feeling of having reached a high enough professional station after early career struggles and setbacks.
Then it happened. A small but nagging disagreement with a co-worker spiraled into my perceived disrespect for the team and advices and feedbacks were given to me. Usually this much murkiness is enough for me to throw it all away just because 'I' didn't feel good. But this time stakes were higher, probably the highest it had ever been in the life so far. Throwing this job away would mean returning to home jobless, and not to mention evaporation of all dreams of prosperity and professional success in America.
Days were passing by and my mind was terribly confused and morally bruised. One evening I was wandering in the city and got into a bookshop. It was a bookshop with good collection of spiritual/religious/occult books and I used to often visit there. It had a nice ambience with a water stream running inside and various mystic and natural sounds playing. It was like a fragrent haven for spiritualists. I went to the Hinduism/Eastern Religions section towards the back of the store and was just staring at the books kept on the shelf. Sri Ramana Maharshi's "Words of Grace". I took that in my hands and started reading the first page. "Who am I?".. it started out like this..."Every living being wants to be happy and everyone has supreme love for oneself." .. Reading that first page while standing there had such an effect on me that I am struggling to capture in words. Each sentence when read instantly corroborated itself within myself and when I read the list of things that I was not, my soul was crying 'Yes! yes! I know this is true!'. I felt that I always knew this within myself but never had time to experience it. Within few seconds my entire life swept by in front of myself - as if I was a third person. I felt convincingly I am not what I have been carrying on with and fussing about. This body, this mind, these senses are not mine, are not me and never have been. This eye, this hand, this face, this speech, this mind is not me! Earlier I used to dryly know these facts, now I was realising them within me with a great intensity. A smile came over the face. That was a smile of relief from all the load I was carrying. This is not my job, this is not my career, and there are no decisions to be made. What happens with so called 'life' from now on simply doesn't matter. I felt free. Suddenly I became aware of my breath and I felt it was calming down. I felt like sitting and reading more of those pages and I found a chair was waiting for me behind. I sat there in deep peace for half an hour or so just silently staring at those pages, trying to read. I couldn't read much, except for first few paragraphs again and again. I felt I had experienced already what I needed to know. I bought that book and stepped out of the store. It was already dark and the street was full of hustle-bustle and sights and smells of a weekend night. As I was walking through the town I felt like I was seeing the world afresh. As I walked, I was carrying within myself a certain steadyness and I carried it all the way to my home. And I have kept that book with me, near me ever since.
PS: Due to that transformative incident I could stay in America for almost one and a half years more. When time came to leave (again in not so different circumstances), a thought of Bhagavan passed by in my mind while pressing the send button on my resignation letter. I think I will never be able to explain why I left America (a place that I loved so much). But within few months of landing jobless in India, I visited Tiruvannamalai for first time and I was captured (I hope to tell that story some other time). Since then I have found a regular job in Bangalore and I have visited Arunachala and the Ashram many times. Every time I go there, walk around the mountain or simply sit in the samadhi hall or the old hall or at mother's temple or just see that magnificent peak of Arunachala from the Ashram steps, I feel more and more that I have arrived at my true home.