Just above the clouds

Remember the sun is there, just above the clouds. Below it is all chilly and rainy making one forget it even exists. But it is rising everyday with same precision and warmth, with unobstructed and pristine light, just above the clouds. Below there may be rescue boats floating on roads, news being made, people feeling moody; everything is exactly as before, just above the clouds. Up there just the angle changes, while seasons change below.

In Varanasi

This is a translation of my essay on the visit to Varanasi during November 2009. It was written originally in Gujarati around 2011. 

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Varanasi is a city in the state of Uttar Pradesh. It is also known as Kashi or Benaras. Kashi is a perfect world unto itself. It is a very ancient city; one of the oldest cities in the world. For me, the most important place on this earth is Kashi.

This city has always attracted people who want to make sense of the mystery of life; even if their ways to reach there are different; their goals also may seem different to us. But really, all the fundamental questions about life are the same. Who am I? Why something is out there? Why does anything 'exist'? What does 'being' mean? What is the world? What does it mean to 'exist'? Why the whole universe is like the way it is? Many people think that God created all this, and therefore seek God; and turn to devotion. God is the product of this mysticism. Many people think that God is not needed for now - 'I will solve this riddle myself'. Such people start pursuit of resolving the mystery of life with help of logic and intellect. People like us who believe in the scientific approach belong to this category. Science, Technology, etc. are products of this non-mysticism or rationalism. Both have the same goal. I have also seen many people who have no problem with life. Life is not an enigma for them. Everything is easy for them. They are deeply involved in life's affairs. Such people enjoy more happiness and less misery in life. Those who have questions, have problems. And Kashi is for people with such questions. Kashi has a special feeling that many people have expressed - that is, the experience of time becoming still or frozen. In Kashi, time does not exist. Sitting on a Ganga ghat in Kashi, you feel everything is right, perfect and orderly. Seems that the essence of the whole universe is contained in this place. The essence of the whole world - is this realization. Everything seems eternal in Kashi. Sitting at the ghat of Ganga in Kashi, one does not know whether this Ganga is flowing and I am still or this time is still and I am flowing? Looks like - the steps of this ghat are more valuable and alive than myself. When I was exhausted and tired from the spree of my PhD pursuit, I went to Kashi. I already knew this is an important place. I already had an attraction for Kashi. I like to believe that in previous births I would have been a Pandit in Kashi and would have been spending time in reading, writing, studying while sitting at Ganga ghats.

I stayed in Kashi for five days. The experience of those five days is one tremendous experience of my life. Even today, I want to reach Kashi again and again, remembering those days and trying to live that time again.

I got down at Varanasi Junction railway station. There was not much luggage with me. There was only one bag. I was thinking, I will go to Dasashwamedh ghat and find a hotel or inn nearby. While talking with the rickshaw driver, he realized that I have not fixed a place to go. So he started showing me different hotels etc. At one point, I said let me get down here. But even after letting me get down, he would come with me and talk to the hotel manager - as if I was his guest! Naturally, rickshaw drivers would also be getting commission for bringing the tourists 'home' - I thought. I told him to take me to a hotel near Ganga. I finally chose a random hotel to get rid of the rickshaw driver. I happened to stay there for one night. I was thinking - I will find another good place by evening. The hotel I stayed in was close to Shivala Ghat. Although the hotel was not on the banks of the Ganga, one could reach there on foot from there. It was some Muslim's hotel as there was something written in Hebrew or Arabic on the doors. Many foreigners there also seemed to be Israeli or Arab. Putting my bag in the room and after resting a little, I went for a walk in Kashi. An important moment of life was waiting for me. It was the moment to see the river Ganga, to touch her water. In fact, when I went to IIT Kanpur, I had already met the river Ganga near Bithur. But the view and the sight of Ganga in Kashi is something totally different. I was totally new and unfamiliar in Kashi. And I believed that whatever experiences are bound to happen to me here would be a direct result of my past deeds.

I started walking towards the river, crossing narrow lanes and streets asking people for directions. I entered an old stone mansion and went a little further inside where it got dark and came out through a gate in the light and saw I was on a ghat. And yes! Expansive stretch of Ganga in front of me! Seeing the splendor of the river Ganga, wide, open and like a gate of heaven, I became still. Hearing sounds of vedic chants being played on loudspeakers from somewhere at distance, I turned speechless. I felt that this whole atmosphere and this whole event was very close to my soul. It was as if reflection of the vastness and peace of the universe is falling in this space. I felt like I had come to my true and permanent home. I was going through an experience that is extremely sacred and impossible to describe in words.

In Varanasi, ghats can be seen from far on the river Ganga. A Ghat is a stepped structure made with slabs of stones that extend and go deep into the water and make the built-up shore of the river. The stones found in this region are red in color. The same stones from which many famous buildings of North India are built; such as Red Fort, Fatehpur Sikri etc. I thought - I have reached the heart of India, the center of India. Many ghats in Kashi are built of such red stones. I even felt jealous of these stones, how lucky are these stones that Ganga herself bathes them since hundreds of years by gentle splashes. There were very few people on the ghat. This was the ghat of King Chet Singh. The mansion from which I emerged was his palace. This king fought a battle here with the troops of Warren Hastings - an English governor.

I descended down the steps and put my feet in the cold water of Ganga and sat down. I filled my palms with water and saw my reflection in it. This is the same water seeing which our ancestors would have been overcome with emotions and this is the same Ganga with whose praise the scriptures of India have been filled. This is the same Ganga that has nurtured India for ages. I felt as if I am playing a piece of history, not the water of Ganga in my hand!

There are about eighty ghats on the Ganga in Varanasi. Starting from Asi Ghat in the south to Rajghat in the north, bank of Ganga is about 3-4 km long. The Ganga flows from the Himalayas in the north to the Bay of Bengal near Calcutta in the south, but the Ganga flows northwards near Varanasi. It seems that Ganga is trying to take a beautiful turn and go to its origin Shiva. In fact, people say that to see this town of Shiva, the Ganga flows northwards here opposite from its natural direction. Another thing is that the whole of Kashi is situated on the west bank of the Ganga. The east coast is empty. East coast is one long wide sandy stretch. There are forests behind it and no population is visible. Surprisingly, despite being one of the oldest and continuously inhabited city in the world, it has never expanded to the other side of the Ganga. Varanasi has never crossed the Ganga. Kashi is delimited by the Ganga. And when you look at the Ganga in Kashi from its ghats, it seems that the end of this world has come. And from the same east direction in the morning when the sun rises a mesmerizing scene is formed. Bathing in this golden water of Ganga, which shines brightly in the background of the temples of Kashi in the early morning in the mild cold, is probably the most celebrated occasion of Aryan civilization. The grandeur of this scene of human culture, can compete with scenes of any of the grand vistas of nature such as forests, mountains, seas, wildlife, where God gets a free hand. Indeed, Ustad Bismillah Khan is right when he says "जन्नत भी भरे पानी मेरे काशी के सामने".

Walking far away from Chet Singh Ghat, I reached Manikarnika Ghat. This is the cremation ghat. The story of this open crematorium on the Ganga is sung in the Puranas. It is said that Manikarnika's buring pyres have not been cold for hundreds of years. The atmosphere here is wonderful. There are big piles of neatly stacked wood around here. People from all over India are brought here for cremation. Death in Kashi is desirable. This is the same Manikarnika Ghat where it is said that lord Shiva himself blows Tarak Mantra (words that liberate the soul from cycle of rebirth and death) into the ear of the dead. The houses and mansions near this ghat have been getting smeared for years due to the ashes rising from the pyres; have turned black. Everything here seems to be drowning in the mouth of time. The fair skinned foreigners who come here become very serious and still. One experiences death and disintegration from very close here. The view of Manikarnika from a boat on the Ganga at night seems beautiful to some or haunting to some. Hundreds of people are sitting on the steps of this ghat; thinking of something while watching the final farewell of their relatives. Due to the weight of the people sitting permanently, the steps of this ghat are inclined downwards. As if these steps also want to slide down to the burning pyres. Sitting on its pier for hours, I kept thinking about life and death. I kept watching the bodies burning, the smoke rising and rising high in the sky. It is easy to get into a meditative state here. There is continuous flow of new corpses from the alleys around the ghat. This place is throbbing twenty-four hours a day. Watching the business of a day sitting on a wooden bench in a narrow alley near this ghat and drinking tea in a clay pot is a great experience. Everything here is old; roads, people, houses, temples, etc. are all in dilapidated condition. But seems like there is a wonderful arrangement in the whole atmosphere. Everything seems to be right and perfect here. There is no contradiction here. After coming to Kashi faith on the world is restored.

The alleys around Manikarnika Ghat are also very famous. Brahmanal (ब्रह्मनाल) is the name of an alley through which one can arrive on the ghat. Brahmanal means the umbilical cord or tube connecting to Brahman. In any of the streets of Benaras, there are stalls of tea, betel leaves (paan) and snacks. Tea is drunk in small clay pots. One tea is available for three rupees. Life is cheap here. If you are hungry, you can go to the kachori gali nearby and eat kachori, puri bhaji etc. In a small round bowl made of big dry leaves as found in Benaras, three or four kachoris are broken and a boiled mixture of chickpeas and various beans is poured over it. And little bit of chutneys on top. It is also customary to eat jalebi after this breakfast/snack. And then after eating a Banarasi paan, it will be fun to wander for two or three hours. These streets will be barely ten feet wide. Due to the 4-5 storey houses around it, sunlight never falls in the streets. So there is a natural coolness in these alleys. People from all over India come here, so you can find a dish from any region. At one place there stood a large group of South Indians. When I went there I saw a shop of Dosa, Idli, Uttappa, Sambhar. Wow! It was fun. So far from Bangalore, I thought there was no hope of getting such nice idlis, dosas! Spicy milk was heating up in a large pan in just the next shop. This place is located probably where Kashi Vishwanath Gali meets the main road.

If you enjoy religious or historical stories, you will know that at every place in Benaras an important event has happened. When Adi Shankaracharya came here about nine hundred years ago, he ran into a Chandal in an alley near Manikarnika Ghat. It is said that this Chandal was lord Shiva himself whom Shankaracharya considered untouchable. Shankaracharya told Chandal to move away. Chandal says "To whom are you asking to move away, to my body or the soul inside me?" Hearing this sentence, Shankaracharya understood his mistake and said "ब्रह्म सत्य, जगत मिथ्या". Chandals of Kashi are also so learned. In fact, there is an abundance of monks in Kashi. It may be that many realised souls or occultists have been wandering in these alleys for years, it is difficult to know when one may run into whom!

When Ramakrishna Paramahansa came to Kashi, he was once sitting on a boat and passing by Manikarnika Ghat. Seeing the pyres burning on the ghat, he stood up and became very meditative. His disciples took hold of him lest he falls into the Ganga! Here Ramakrishna saw Lord Shiva himself blowing Tarak mantra in the ear of the dead.

One can go from Manikarnika Ghat via Kachori Gali to Vishwanath Gali in which the famous Kashi Vishwanath Temple is located. Perhaps for common people Kashi is known mainly by this Jyotirlinga. It is very crowded here. The temple is very small compared to its glory. Probably the smallest Jyotirlinga in India. Aurangzeb demolished the original temple and built a mosque there. It is now known as Gyanvapi Masjid. It is said that the Shivling of Kashi Vishwanath was protected by the Brahmins for years, then when the Maratha kingdom came, Ahilyabai Holkar built the present temple. In Kashi, the Maratha rulers have built and renovated many ghats and temples. Maharaja Ranjit Singh of Punjab covered the dome of the Vishwanath temple with gold. Kashi Vishwanath's Shivling is in a corner instead of the center of the temple. It may happen that you are standing in line for two hours to see it.. you pass by it and keep looking, searching where the Shivling is!? It happens many times - one doesn't find God even though one has spent whole life searching for God and remembering God. Maybe God just gets passed over by the side. This way, the temple of Kashi Vishwanath is very indicative.

On the first day in Kashi, I just splashed in the Ganga and came back. I had a wallet, a watch, etc. with me and I was alone so the question was who to trust. The next day I left everything at the hotel early in the morning and went out for a bath in Ganga. It was early November and it was getting cold in Kashi. I got out of the hotel and started walking in a narrow street in the dim light of morning to go towards Shivala Ghat. What happened next was one of the few scenes in my life that I fully remember; a scene in which I was completely 'present'. I was walking and I just felt like the whole atmosphere around me was frozen. Time stopped. I felt as if this moment is coming to me after passing through the ages. A path paved of rough stones, a goat's mouth standing on the side, a few spots of cow dungs below, scattered specks of grass for cattle to eat, an old and closed door of a house on the side and the cold of early morning. This moment has etched itself deep in my memory. I remember, I was walking and as this happened, I stood up. A wonderful peace of mind prevailed. This experience is really hard to describe in words.

I walked for five days in Varanasi. Often I would go to random places without any plan, just to see the city. In that manner I reached Kedar Ghat. There is a temple of Shiva on this ghat and this temple is built in the style of the south. Crowds of South Indians are found on this ghat. After resting on the ghat for a while, I started wandering in the alleys behind the ghat. In one of them I saw a board. 'Swami Ramakrishna Paramahansa's abode when he came to Kashi. A.D. 18.. '. Some nineteenth-century year was written. I really wondered, just wandering around like this, what is the probability to find the place where Ramakrishna lived in Kashi? The answer came from inside, 'negligible'. At this place, there is no crowd. It's just a normal building. Fortunately, I noticed this board. I stepped inside. It was an old style house with a large open square courtyard in the middle and rooms around it. And I saw children of Brahmins dressed in full saffron robes (dhoti etc.) are playing cricket with a plastic ball in the courtyard! Seeing them in their costumes, I felt that these are the gods. As if the gods are themselves are playing cricket here, that feeling came from inside me. I sat on a large square pedestal made of wood in the hallway and watched the game of boys dressed in this perfectly traditional Indian clothing. They must have been thinking, who is this guy who has so much time to watch our game! One or two boys were deliberately trying to hit the ball towards me, but the captain of one of the teams was also careful not to disturb me. I watched four or five of their matches. It was fun. Then I talked to them. These boys are the boys of the local Brahmins who are studying in the Sanskrit school running here. I asked one, what are you studying? He said, 'Ved'. There is no practice of grade 1, 2, 3 etc here. Masterji teaches Sanskrit literature like Vedas, Puranas, Ramayana, Mahabharata etc. Most of the children who study here handle their inherited business of performing religious rituals. There was some time for Masterji to arrive so everyone got together and played cricket. Then I went to the room where Ramakrishna lived and came back after seeing some of his artifacts, like shoes etc.

Accidently, I saw the same place again 3 years later in the BBC's 'Story of India' documentary. The same board, the same courtyard, the same children studying Sanskrit and chanting Vedic mantras!

An evening on the path

It is almost dark on a summer evening in Tiruvannamalai and I am standing at a place where the girivalam path splits from the chengam road. Girivalam path is a well made road with footpaths on both sides (for the most part) for walking pilgrims. When you look from here, there is small Ganesha shrine right at the trijunction and then wide paved footpath starts; on which sadhus in their saffron robes are seen sleeping or sitting. Lines of trees cover over the road from the both sides and it looks like the road disappears between them in distance.

A family is running a tea, snack and food place covered and fenced with metal sheets annexed to the front of their home. In one corner on slightly raised platform there are stoves for tea, coffee and with their vessels and lined-up plastic jars of small snacks like chakris and some confectionaries. If you ask you may even be able to locate chewing tobacco products and cigarettes. The rest of the area works as a restaurant (if it can be called that way) with few modular plastic chairs and tables that are sagging slightly from the middle and their half-naked children running between them. The woman is in charge of the tea and snacks bar and the man is on general arrangements and waiting. Mother in law is on the kitchen stove in another corner.

I decide to have something for this seems almost like the last human outpost before a long solitary journey on this beautiful path on this night. In fact I have walked already 2 km from the ashram, but this seems definitely like a point where the walk really starts as now one leaves the town road for the rural road along the Arunachala. I started the walk from the ashram when it was light and I was amidst the hustle-bustle of the town, vehicles, shops and then slowly saw it all get sparser and sparser until I reached this point. Now the big busses to Bangalore and most other vehicles will take the chengam road and the few pilgrims like me and few other stray vehicles will continue on the path. There is deep silence in the atmosphere except that of the sounds of vehicles passing on the road which are few and far in between as this is the very outskirts of Tiruvannamalai. The air is warm and it will take a while before it will cool down. Each sound of passing vehicle can be listened perfectly separately and in full detail unlike in the town where it all merges into the background noise of everything. The Arunachala stands motionless and in all-witnessing majesty as ever. The Arunachala is like the sun or the moon or a force of the nature; not going anywhere, standing right there; showing people the permanence of some things while they pass by on this earth.

The man asks me to wash my hands (I am surprised) and invites me to the table. I wash them at the makeshift washbasin that drains into a dirty drum below and (I think) that drum might be drained into trickling stream of water that disappears towards the back of the house where there is nothing but trees and bushes.

As I am eating with my bare hands feeling my breathing and staring into dark on this poignant evening, observing the simple and unassuming life of the folks around me, I feel grounded and established.

First visit to Tiruvannamalai

I first visited Tiruvannamalai on 21 July 2018. At that time I was in Bangalore on temporary work and on that Saturday I decided to go. It would take 5 hours bus journey one way; I thought I will start in early morning and would be back by late night. I started out from Christ college bus-stand waiting for one of the TNSTC green striped and wooden floored busses. I could not read Tamil, so I took help of some of the fellow passengers at bus-stop to identify the bus for me. Once in, I luckily got the seat; the bus was nearly full and I still remember the faces of the conductor and driver. I don't remember much about the journey except that I was constantly chanting Sri Ramana's name and as Tiruvannamalai approached I was so eager to see Arunachala for the first time from the bus. When I saw that beautiful and still hill with the notch that is visible while coming from the north-west side it created stillness and feeling of reverence in my mind. It was one of the most peaceful experiences to have Arunachala in my sight, it was like being face to face with divinity itself. 

Upon reaching Tiruvannamalai I first visited the main temple of the town - the Annamalaiyar temple or the Arunachaleshwar temple. Sri Ramana also made this temple his abode for first few months after arriving in Tiruvannamalai in 1896. It was afternoon and the main shrine - the inner most one with the presiding deity - was closed for darshan. Temple courtyard was open and I went inside. It was hot afternoon and I was walking on heated up stones of the huge temple courtyard. I recognized the thousand pillared hall immediately. This was one of the places where Bhagavan stayed. A part of this hall is now renovated and and there is Sri Ramana's portrait at the entrance. However when I went it was not renovated and I saw it in its old glory. It was almost empty and there were painted plaques made from sheet metal affixed on the walls where Sri Ramana stayed or sat. 'Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi stayed here when he came to Tiruvannamalai' or something like that was written on those white colored plaques in long blue colored letters in English. Approaching one corner where one of the plaques was fixed, tears started to veil up in my eyes and my head became heavy. It is hard to describe this experience but my mind totally froze and became still for few precious minutes. I cried at that place feeling and touching those very stones where Bhagavan would have once rested on. I felt lucky that on this ordinary afternoon, I am getting to come near to places that God himself inhabited more than a century ago. It was like coming to home or to an anchor-point of life. I remember I sat down in that corner just meditating for few minutes on Sri Ramana. Then I went to Patala lingam shrine which is underground in the thousand pillared hall. I had read that Bhagavan lived for many days (when he was 16 year old boy) so deep in Samadhi in this shrine and that insects started to crawl over his body and started to eat his legs that people had to physically extract him out of it. Again I felt tears in my eyes and I couldn't help crying when I saw this small beautiful and unassuming underground temple. These were some of the most significant moments of my life so far.

Then I came to Sri Ramanasramam and I had first darshan of Sri Bhagavan. I felt deeply impacted by the whole atmosphere of the Ashram. I remember I entered the New Hall and towards my right there was Sri Ramana's seated statue carved out of black stone. Behind it was the black marble Simhasana. I arrived and stood in front of him in New Halll with my hands folded, uttering his name in my mind, thanking him for bringing me there and inspiring me to make that journey; submitting my life to him; this was an event I won't ever forget. Then I did darshan at the mother's temple (Matrubhuteshwara temple - Sri Ramana's mother's Samadhi shrine), sat in dark on stone seating area behind huge doors of the temple listening to chanting and sounds inside. It was a great meditative experience. Then I entered the large Samadhi Hall full of light and space via the door that opened in it from the New Hall (I didn't know these places' names and their history when I first visited - but later during my readings I came to know) and stood there in front of Sri Ramana's Samadhi shrine for few minutes praying and observing his golden hued image. True silence of the mind and glimpses of what my new life could be were surrounding me from all sides. Then I sat down in that hall resting my back on the wall and tried to meditate and be silent. I was able to see each and every thought arising in my mind with total detachment as if I had become a third person and watching my older self. My head's left part (which was facing the Samadhi) felt heavy and I felt something was changing inside of it in almost physical manner. I felt as if it was being pulled by an invisible force emanating from the Samadhi shrine. I sat there in that state for an hour or so in deeply peaceful concentration, detached from my life, and grounded. It is hard to describe this experience in words. 

When I came back to my hotel room that late night in Bangalore after a tiring bus journey, I was a changed man. I knew something significant had just happened on that day; that which always meant to happen in my life. I felt something was done to me that was my destiny. It was the intense start of a major change process inside me that is still going on and will continue till I reach my destination. 

How I came to do Girivalam?

I had read about Girivalam - that is pradakshina of Arunachala - the 14km walk around the mountain - usually done barefoot and especially on full moon day. But somehow it didn't register in my mind and somehow I never felt compelled to do it. Maybe I was merely cerebral and was obviously thinking how a long walk around Arunachala could be any different? It had been almost a year since I started visiting Tiruvannamalai. Most times I would visit the Ashram, spend few hours there and return back or occasionally spend the night, spend few hours at the Ashram next morning too and return back. Sometimes I would scale Arunachala partially and visit Skandasramam or Virupakshi cave. Then during one of my visits, I met three guys from Bangalore with whom I shared the return bus journey. It was Sunday evening and all busses were going packed and we all were in similar boat - so to speak - in hurry to get to Bangalore. We even contemplated doing a Taxi to Bangalore, but luckily we got the bus and the seats in last row. During talk with them one of the guys very mysteriously asked me 'Have you done Girivalam?' I said no. Then in couple of sentences he propounded its virtues in such a way that my mind must have unconsciously decided to experience it once. The seed of inspiration was planted in me that day.

Often times I take decisions at spur of moment. One such day was 18 May 2019. It was Saturday and a full moon day. It was around 5 in the evening and I was generally bored - lazing around at home. Suddenly it occurred to me that it is full moon and I remembered that guy's talk about Girivalam. But it was evening already and if I start now I will reach around 11 pm at Tiruvannamalai. However it was said that many people did Girivalam on full moon night, I was not sure if today was that night (as Tamil calendar is slightly different and I was not sure if it was the Pournami for Girivalam that day) and what do we mean by 'many' people? Nevertheless, I decided and started out within half an hour, went to the electronic city toll gate where I usually catch the bus. Busses are plenty all time round and I got in one of them. I realized that it was the full moon day of Girivalam when the bus made its final stop almost 1 km out of Tiruvannamalai near some large ground instead of going to the bus-stand in the town. I got down and started walking in dark with my fellow passengers in the direction where everyone seemed to go. There were hundreds of busses stopped on the way just like mine but I was not knowing where am I or which part of Tiruvannamalai I was in, I was just following the crowd. It must have been around 1 km before I got to the main road that is Girivalam path. I thought this must have been the same main road that enters Tiruvannamalai when arriving from Bangalore. It was brightly lit with streetlights but it was unrecognizable as it was full of people walking and all vehicular traffic was stopped. I could not even see through the mass of people to the other side of the road clearly so that I could guess where was I! It was an atmosphere of a walking fair. Food and refreshment stalls abound, loud speakers chanting 'Om namah shivay' and thousands of people quietly bustling barefoot under this beautiful full moon at midnight! I joined the stream of people and I was transported to a different world. For some moments, I could not believe that such place existed on earth and wondered why I didn't know this before? I felt this itself should be big news that people walk all night - that too in thousands - that too on every full moon - in this small town of south India - shouldn't that be big news and well known? - but no - it doesn't matter - you are here - now experience this. I was experiencing Tamil people's simple and yet deep religiousness and spirituality. Entire families, groups of friends, groups of unknowns, ascetics and eccentrics all were walking together, either chanting 'Om namah shivay' or quietly, on barefoot or with shoes on. Some people were taking rest on benches lined up on the way or on the paved footpaths. But most of the time a constant stream of humanity was flowing endlessly around the mountain which itself stood as a huge dark shadow under the full moon.

I don't recall if I ever had slept on the road or footpath before in my life, but after walking a while, tired, I layed down on the footpath like others while thousands still kept walking behind me on the road. It was around 2 am and I was lying down, facing Arunachala on inner footpath watching beautiful full moon and bright Jupiter conjunction along with the dark shadowy peak of Arunachala. Cool surface wind with its small turbulences was blowing just above the footpath and over my body. Around me other pilgrims, my brothers, were also resting just like myself. I, a product of this earth, was sleeping in lap of this earth as close as I can get to her. It is hard to describe the feeling of connectedness and harmony that I experienced in that half an hour or so on that footpath on summer night.

At the northern slope of Arunachala

It is sunday morning and I am at the tri-junction on girivalam path at northern slope of Arunachala. There are some clouds in the sky but it is sunny overall and I am sitting near the locked pilgrim rest house with large area paved with cement tiles of gray and pastel red color. There are a lot of empty benches around and I am sitting on one of it. I am watching people go by on the roads that are not very many in the morning. I have already finished halfway around Arunachala which lies to my right. Rainy season here is just over and I am looking to my right towards the base of Arunachala which I think is a mile away from me; there is a lush green rice field with filled water that is shining in the sunlight in run-up to the hill. There is a narrow dirt path next to it going all the way towards the base. This sight is creating a moment of stillness and peace in me. I feel grateful that such a place exists and I am here and now without any care of the world and I am getting to experience this. For me the world is unreal and it doesn't exist except this morning and this clear, neat, and perfect sight of Arunachala.

A touch of divine

I first read about Bhagavan in Paul Brunton's book around 2009. I remember the impressions made on Brunton by his visits to Bhagavan and the fact that in his book he overwhelmingly stands out as one of the most authentic and genuine holy men of India (I apologize for my expression, as I know, how vain and trivial any worldly comparisons of Bhagavan with others sound, for there can not be any comparison between absolute reality and worldly phenomenon). In researching more about his life during that time I also read about Arunachala in one of the books and the incident where Bhagavan first hears reference of Arunachala from one of his relatives and the effect it makes on him. I must admit that the name Arunachala made some impression on me. I felt at loss that until that point I was not knowing that such a place and a mountain existed in south India and it was considered an important spiritual center and the life-changing effect its mere mention had on Bhagavan. So were my scattered and diffused impressions about Bhagavan and Arunachala at that time. I am now surprised that even though I was living in Bangalore at that time and I always have been a spiritually and metaphysically inclined person, it never occurred me to visit Tiruvannamalai.

But as they say there is a specific time, place and situations for specific events to occur. May be I was not just ready to receive the experiences and impressions that have changed my life and are still changing my life.

As destiny would have it, it took me almost 7 more years to have that defining first experience, a touch of divine that changes everything and the point in time after which the character of one's life changes forever. Meanwhile, 'I' had become a husband, a father, a successful worker and I had all the things that are usually affixed to a man after acquisition of such labels.

We were in America. All was going well. As per my desire I had transitioned into a 'permannent' job after going there on temporary project. We were also on a path to 'permannent' residency. All roads seemed long but clear. For the first time I was having a feeling of having reached a high enough professional station after early career struggles and setbacks. 

Then it happened. A small but nagging disagreement with a co-worker spiraled into my perceived disrespect for the team and advices and feedbacks were given to me. Usually this much murkiness is enough for me to throw it all away just because 'I' didn't feel good. But this time stakes were higher, probably the highest it had ever been in the life so far. Throwing this job away would mean returning to home jobless, and not to mention evaporation of all dreams of prosperity and professional success in America.

Days were passing by and my mind was terribly confused and morally bruised. One evening I was wandering in the city and got into a bookshop. It was a bookshop with good collection of spiritual/religious/occult books and I used to often visit there. It had a nice ambience with a water stream running inside and various mystic and natural sounds playing. It was like a fragrent haven for spiritualists. I went to the Hinduism/Eastern Religions section towards the back of the store and was just staring at the books kept on the shelf. Sri Ramana Maharshi's "Words of Grace". I took that in my hands and started reading the first page. "Who am I?".. it started out like this..."Every living being wants to be happy and everyone has supreme love for oneself." .. Reading that first page while standing there had such an effect on me that I am struggling to capture in words. Each sentence when read instantly corroborated itself within myself and when I read the list of things that I was not, my soul was crying 'Yes! yes! I know this is true!'. I felt that I always knew this within myself but never had time to experience it. Within few seconds my entire life swept by in front of myself - as if I was a third person. I felt convincingly I am not what I have been carrying on with and fussing about. This body, this mind, these senses are not mine, are not me and never have been. This eye, this hand, this face, this speech, this mind is not me! Earlier I used to dryly know these facts, now I was realising them within me with a great intensity. A smile came over the face. That was a smile of relief from all the load I was carrying. This is not my job, this is not my career, and there are no decisions to be made. What happens with so called 'life' from now on simply doesn't matter. I felt free. Suddenly I became aware of my breath and I felt it was calming down. I felt like sitting and reading more of those pages and I found a chair was waiting for me behind. I sat there in deep peace for half an hour or so just silently staring at those pages, trying to read. I couldn't read much, except for first few paragraphs again and again. I felt I had experienced already what I needed to know. I bought that book and stepped out of the store. It was already dark and the street was full of hustle-bustle and sights and smells of a weekend night. As I was walking through the town I felt like I was seeing the world afresh. As I walked, I was carrying within myself a certain steadyness and I carried it all the way to my home. And I have kept that book with me, near me ever since.

PS: Due to that transformative incident I could stay in America for almost one and a half years more. When time came to leave (again in not so different circumstances), a thought of Bhagavan passed by in my mind while pressing the send button on my resignation letter. I think I will never be able to explain why I left America (a place that I loved so much). But within few months of landing jobless in India, I visited Tiruvannamalai for first time and I was captured (I hope to tell that story some other time). Since then I have found a regular job in Bangalore and I have visited Arunachala and the Ashram many times. Every time I go there, walk around the mountain or simply sit in the samadhi hall or the old hall or at mother's temple or just see that magnificent peak of Arunachala from the Ashram steps, I feel more and more that I have arrived at my true home.

અલ્યો-ડોબો

અલ્યો-ડોબો

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લિયો ટોલ્સ્ટોય ની ટૂંકી વાર્તા Alyosha-The-Pot નો ભાવાત્મક અનુવાદ. લખાણ ને ભારતીય પરિપ્રેક્ષ્ય ને અનુરૂપ બનાવવા માટે થોડીક છૂટછાટો લીધી છે. 

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અલ્પેશ એનું નામ. બે ભાઈઓ માં એ નાનો ભાઈ. એક વખત એની મા એ રબારણ ને ત્યાં થી દહીં નું માટલું લેવા મોકલ્યો અને એણે ઠોકર ખાધી અને માટલું ફોડી નાખ્યું. એની મા એ એને 'અલ્યા-ડોબા' કહી ને  બરોબર નો માર્યો. બસ ત્યારથી બીજા છોકરાં એને ડોબા-ડોબા કહી ને ચીડવવા લાગ્યા અને આવી રીતે એનું નામ પડયું - અલ્યો-ડોબો. 

અલ્પેશ નું શરીર પાતળું અને એના સૂપડા જેવા કાન. અને નાક એનું મોટું. છોકરાઓ એને ચીડવતા: 'અલ્પેશ નું નાક ટામેટા જેવું છે'. ગામ માં નિશાળ હતી પણ એ ક્યારેય લખતા વાંચતા શીખી શક્યો નહીં. ખરેખર તો એને ભણવાનો સમય જ ન રહેતો. એનો મોટો ભાઈ એક વેપારી ને ઘેર શહેર માં રહેતો અને એની નોકરી કરતો; અને અલ્પેશ બાળપણ થી જ એના બાપા ની મદદ કરતો. જયારે એ છ વરસ નો હતો ત્યારે એ અને એની નાની બહેન ગાયો નું ધ્યાન રાખતા અને ઘેટાં ચરાવતા. જયારે એ થોડો મોટો થયો ત્યારે દિવસ રાત ઘોડાઓ ની રખેવાળી કરતો. બાર વરસ પહેલા તો એણે ખેતર ખેડવાનું અને ગાડું હાંકવાનું શરૂ કરી દીધું. એ શરીર થી બહુ મજબૂત નહોતો પણ એને ધગશ હતી. એ હંમેશા આનંદ માં રહેતો. જયારે બીજા છોકરા એની મજાક ઉડાવતા ત્યારે એ પણ કાં તો હસતો કાં તો ચૂપ રહેતો.  જયારે એના બાપા એને સંભળાવતા, એ ચૂપ રહેતો અને સાંભળતો. અને જેવા એમના ઘાંટા શાંત થતા, એવો જ એ ચહેરા પર સ્મિત ફરકાવી ને જે કામ કરવાનું હોય એ કરવા મંડી પડતો.

જયારે અલ્પેશ ઓગણીસ વરસ નો હતો ત્યારે એનો ભાઈ સેના માં જોડાયો. બાપા એ અલ્પેશ ને એના ભાઈ ની જગ્યા લેવા-રખેવાળ નું કામ કરવા પેલા વેપારી ત્યાં મોકલી આપ્યો. અલ્પેશ ને એના ભાઈ ના જુના જોડા, બાપા ની ટોપી અને લાંબો ડગલો આપ્યા અને શહેર માં લઇ ગયા. અલ્પેશ ને તો નવા કપડાં પહેરવાની મજા આવી ગઈ પણ વેપારી ને એનો દેખાવ ગમ્યો નહીં. 

'મને હતું કે તમે મને સંજુ નો ખરો બરોબરિયો મોકલશો', અલ્પેશ ને ધારીને જોઈને વેપારી બોલ્યો. 'પણ તમે તો મને આ લેંટાળીયો છોકરડો મોકલ્યો. એ શું કામ નો?'

'એ બધું કરી શકે છે - ઘોડા જોતરશે, જ્યાં જવું હોય ત્યાં જશે અને ભૂત ની જેમ કામ કરશે; ખાલી દેખાય છે નંખાયેલા જેવો પણ છે મજબૂત.'

'ભલે ત્યારે. જોઈશું.'

'અને સૌથી વધારે તો એ નરમ છે. કામ કરવામાં એને રસ છે.'

'ઠીક. શું થાય? રાખો એને અહીં.'

અને આમ અલ્પેશે વેપારી ને ત્યાં કામ કરવાનું શરૂ કર્યું.

વેપારી નું કુટુંબ બહુ મોટું નહોતું: એની બાઈ, એની મા, એક પાંચ ચોપડી ભણેલો પરણેલો છોકરો જે બાપા ને મદદ કરતો; એક બીજો છોકરો - મેટ્રિક ભણેલ, કોલેજ ગયેલ પણ ત્યાંથી કાઢી મુકાયા પછી ઘરે જ રહેતો; અને એક છોકરી જે હાઈસ્કૂલ માં ભણતી હતી.

શરૂઆત માં એ લોકો ને અલ્પેશ ગમ્યો નહીં - એ ગામડિયા જેવો લાગતો અને એના પહેરવા-કરવાના ઠેકાણા નહીં; કોઈ રીતભાત નહીં, અને બધા ને યાર-દોસ્તાર ની જેમ બોલાવતો; પણ પછી એમને એની આદત પડી ગઈ. એ એના ભાઈ કરતા પણ વધુ મહેનતુ હતો. એ ખરેખર નમ્ર હતો: જે પણ કામ એને સોંપાયું એ પૂરા ખંત થી અને ઝડપ થી કરતો. અને એક કામ પતાવ્યા પછી બીજું કામ જરાય પણ થોભ્યા વગર શરૂ કરી દેતો. બસ, જેમ એના ઘરે હતું એવી જ રીતે વેપારી ને ઘેર પણ, બધી જાત ના કામ નો ઢગલો એના પર નાખી દેવામાં આવતો. એ જેટલું વધારે કરે, એટલું વધારે કામ એ લોકો એને આપતા. વેપારી ની ઘરવાળી, એની મા, એની છોકરી, એનો છોકરો, દુકાન નો ગુમાસ્તો અને રસોઈયણ - બધા એને અહીં થી તહીં મોકલતા, અને કહે આ કર ને પેલું કર. બસ આખો દિવસ આ બધું જ સાંભળવા મળતું - 'અલ્યા, આ લઇ આવ.' અથવા 'ભઈલા, આ ઠીક કરી દે ને.' 'શું થયું? તું ભૂલી ગયો, અલ્પેશ?' 'ધ્યાન રાખજે, ભૂલતો નહીં, અલ્યા.' અને અલ્યાએ લાવ્યું, કર્યું, ધ્યાન રાખ્યું,ભૂલ્યો નહીં; એ બધું જ કરતો, હસતા હસતા.

જલ્દીથી એના ભાઈ ના જોડા ઘસાઈ ગયા અને વેપારી એ એને ફાટેલા, અંગુઠો બહાર દેખાય એવા જોડા માં ફરવા માટે ઠપકો આપ્યો, અને બજાર માં થી નવા જોડા ખરીદી લેવા માટે હુકમ કર્યો. અલ્પેશે નવા જોડા લીધા અને બહુ ખુશ ગઈ થયો. પણ એના પગ તો જૂના જ હતા અને, સાંજ સુધી તો એના ડંખ ને લીધે એવા દુખી ગયા કે એ જોડા ને લઇ ને ગુસ્સે થઇ ગયો. એને એ બીક હતી કે જયારે એના બાપા એનો પગાર લેવા આવશે, ત્યારે વેપારી જોડા ના પૈસા કાપી લેશે. 

શિયાળા માં અલ્પેશ અજવાળું થાય એ પહેલા ઉઠી જતો, ચૂલા ના લાકડા કાપતો, આંગણુ વાળતો, ગાય અને ઘોડાઓ ને ખવડાવતો અને એમને પાણી પીવડાવતો. પછી ચૂલો સળગાવતો, કપડાં અને જોડા સાફ કરતો, પછી ચા ની કીટલીઓ સાફ કરી ને તૈયાર કરતો. એના પછી કાં તો દુકાન નો ગુમાસ્તો એને માલ ના પોટલાં છોડવા બોલાવતો કાં તો રસોઈયણ લોટ બાંધવા બોલાવતી કે પછી તપેલાં ઘસવા. પછી તેઓ એને શહેર માં મોકલતા કાં તો કોઈ કાગળ પહોંચાડવા કાં તો છોકરી ને સ્કૂલે મૂકવા કાં તો ડોસી ના મંદિર ના દીવા નું તેલ લાવવા. 'ક્યાં જાઓ છો ભલા માણસ!' કોઈ બોલતું સંભળાશે. 'અરે, જાતે કેમ જાઓ છો? અલ્પેશ છે ને? લઇ આવશે. અલ્પેશ! અલ્યા અલ્પેશ!' અને અલ્પેશ દોડતો અને લઇ આવતો. 

એ સવાર નો નાસ્તો પણ કામ ની સાથે જ કરતો અને ભાગ્યેજ સાંજે જમવાના સમયે બધા ની સાથે હોય. રસોઈયણ મોડા પડવા બદલ એને ઠપકો આપતી, પણ એને એની દયા આવતી અને એના માટે સાંજ નું જમવાનું બચાવી ને ઢાંકી રાખતી. વાર-તહેવારો માં તો ઓર વધારે કામ રહેતું. પણ અલ્પેશ ને તહેવારો ગમતા કારણકે કોઈ ને કોઈ નાની બક્ષિશ મળી જતી. એ બહુ થોડી હતી પણ ગમે તેમ તોય એ એના પોતાના પૈસા હતા. જ્યાં સુધી એના પગાર નો સવાલ હતો, એ તો એના બાપા આવતા અને વેપારી જોડે થી લઇ જતા, અને ઉપરથી અલ્પેશ ને જોડા જલ્દી થી ઘસી કાઢવા માટે ખખડાવતા. 

જયારે એની પાસે બક્ષિશ ના બે રૂપિયા ભેગા થયા ત્યારે રસોઈયણ ના કહેવાથી એણે એક નવું લાલ સ્વેટર લીધું. જયારે એ એને પહેરતો ત્યારે એવો ખુશ થતો અને મન માં ને મન માં મલકાયા કરતો.

એ બહુ બોલતો નહીં અને જયારે બોલતો ત્યારે હંમેશા ઉતાવળે અને ટૂંકાણ માં પતાવતો. જયારે કોઈ પણ એને હુકમ કરે કે આમ કરવાનું છે, થશે કે નહીં, કરી શકીશ કે નહીં, હંમેશા જરાય ખચવાટ વગર એનો જવાબ આ જ હોય: 'ચોક્કસ, કરી નાંખીશ.' અને તરત જ એ ભાગતો અને કરી દેતો. 

એને ભગવાનને પ્રાર્થના કેવી રીતે થાય એ પણ ખબર ન હતી. જે થોડું ઘણું એની મા એ શીખવાડયું હતું એ પણ ભૂલી ગયો હતો. પણ ગમે તેમ, સવાર અને સાંજ એ મંદિર સામે ઉભો રહી જતો, હાથ જોડી ને. 

આવી રીતે દોઢ વરસ નીકળી ગયું. બીજા વરસ ના બીજા ભાગ માં એના જીવન ની એક સૌથી વિસ્મયકારી ઘટના બની. એ ઘટના આ પ્રમાણે હતી: એ પોતે અચંબા માં પડી ગયો જયારે એને ખબર પડી કે દુનિયા માં એકબીજા ની જરૂરિયાતો પર આધારિત સામાન્ય સંબંધો સિવાય બીજા પણ વિશિષ્ટ સંબંધો અસ્તિત્વ ધરાવે છે; જેમાં માણસે કોઈનું કંઈ કામ નથી કરવું પડતું, જોડા સાફ નથી કરવા પડતા, માલ લાવવો નથી પડતો, ઘોડા જોતરવા નથી પડતા પણ એમાં વ્યક્તિ જેવો છે એવો જ, બીજા કોઈ પણ વિશિષ્ટ કારણ વગર, બીજા ને જરૂરી બની શકે છે અને બીજી વ્યક્તિ ને એની ચાકરી અને કદર કરવાનું જરૂરી બની જાય છે. અને એને ખબર પડી કે એવી વ્યક્તિ બીજી કોઈ નહીં પણ એ, અલ્પેશ, પોતે જ છે. એને આ બધું ઉત્કર્ષા (ઉકલી) દ્વારા ઉજાગર થયું. ઉત્કર્ષા અનાથ, જુવાન અને અલ્પેશ જેટલી જ મહેનતુ હતી. તેને અલ્પેશ માટે દયા આવવા લાગી અને પહેલી વખત અલ્પેશ ને લાગ્યું કે એ પોતે, એનું કામ નહીં, પણ એ પોતે, એક બીજી વ્યક્તિ માટે મહત્વનો બની ગયો છે. જયારે એની મા એના પર દયા ભાવ રાખતી ત્યારે એને જણાતું પણ નહીં, એને થતું, આ તો આમ જ હોય, જેવી રીતે એને ખુદ ને એની હાલત પર દયા આવતી એમ. પણ હવે, એકાએક, એણે જોયું કે ઉત્કર્ષા, એક એકદમ અજાણી છોકરી, એના પર દયા રાખે છે. તે એના માટે ભાખરી ને દૂધ મૂકી રાખતી અને એ જયારે એ જમતો, ત્યારે એ એની હડપચી વાળેલા હાથ પર મૂકી ને એને જોયા કરતી. એ તેની સામું જોતો અને તે હસવા લાગતી, અને પછી એ પણ હસવા લાગતો. 

આ બધું એટલું નવું અને વિચિત્ર હતું કે પહેલા તો અલ્પેશ ડરી ગયો. એને થયું, આ બધું એના કામ માં અડચણ ઉભી કરે છે. છતાંયે, એ ખુશ હતો અને જયારે એ તેણીએ સાંધેલા એના લેંઘા ને જોતો, એ ખુશી માં એનું માથું ધુણાવતો અને મરકતો. ઘણી વખત ચાલુ કામે ઉત્કર્ષા ના વિચાર માં પડી જતો અને બબડતો, 'ઓ, પેલી ઉકલી!'. જયારે થાય ત્યારે, તેણી એને મદદ કરતી અને એ તેને મદદ કરતો. તેણી એ એને પોતાની આખી કરમકહાણી કહી, તે કેવી રીતે અનાથ થઇ, કેવી રીતે એની ફોઈ એને લઇ ગઈ, કેવી રીતે એને શહેર મોકલવામાં આવી, અને વેપારી ના છોકરા એ કેવી રીતે એના પર ડોળા માંડ્યા અને ફોસલાવવાનો પ્રયત્ન કર્યો પણ કેવી રીતે તેણી એ એને સીધો કર્યો. 

તે વાતોડિયણ હતી એને અલ્પેશ ને તેની વાતો સાંભળવી ગમતી. એણે શહેર ના કિસ્સા સાંભળ્યા હતા. કેવી રીતે બાંધેલા નોકરો આવતા અને રસોઈયણો જોડે લગ્ન કરી લેતા. તેણી એ એક વખત એને પૂછી પણ લીધું કે એના લગ્ન જલ્દી થઇ જવાના છે કે શું. એણે કીધું કે એને ખબર નથી અને એને ગામડા ની છોકરી પસંદ નથી.

'તો પછી કોઈ પસંદ પડી કે નહીં?' તેણે પૂછ્યું. 

'મને તો તું પસંદ છે.' એણે કહ્યું. 'તું મને મળીશ કે નહીં?'

'ઓ, ડોબાલાલ, તમે પણ કેવી લુચ્ચાઈ થી વાત કરી દીધી!' એમ કહી ને તેનો રૂમાલ એની પાછળ ઝાટકવા લાગી. 'હા, કેમ નહીં મળું?'

મહિને-દાડે એના બાપા એનો પગાર લેવા શહેર માં આવ્યા. વેપારી ની ઘરવાળી ને ખબર પડી ગઈ હતી કે અલ્પેશ ના મગજ માં ઉકલી ના નામ નું ભુસુ ભરાયું છે અને એને એ જરા પણ ઠીક ના લાગ્યું. 'કાલે ઉઠી ને છોકરાં થશે, પછી છોકરાં ને સાચવશે કે કામ કરશે?' એણે એના પતિ ને કહ્યું.

વેપારી એ અલ્પેશ ના બાપા ને પૈસા આપ્યા. 

'તો પછી, કેવું કામ કરે છે મારો છોકરો?' ગામડિયા એ પૂછ્યું. 'મેં કહ્યું'તું ને કે એ નરમ ઘેંસ જેવો છે.'

'હા એ ભલે હોય, પણ એણે એક મૂરખ જેવો વિચાર કર્યો છે,' વેપારી બોલ્યો. 'એના મગજ માં અમારી રસોઈયણ ના નામ નું ભુસુ ભરાયું છે અને એને એની જોડે લગ્ન કરવા છે. હું પરણેલા નોકરો રાખતો નથી. એ અમને નહીં ફાવે.'

'ઓહ, એમ વાત છે. બહુ ડાહ્યો. શું તુક્કો લગાવ્યો છે!,' બાપો બોલ્યો. 'ચિંતા ના કરો, હું એને આખી વાત જ પડતી મુકવાનું કહીશ.'

રસોડા માં આવ્યા પછી બાપા ટેબલે બેઠા અને પોતાના દીકરા ની રાહ જોવા લાગ્યા. અલ્પેશ બહુ કામ માં હતો અને ભાગતો દોડતો હાંફતો આવ્યો. 

'મને એમ હતું કે તારા માં બુદ્ધિ છે,' બાપા બોલ્યા. 'આ શું સાંભળું છું હું?'

'ખબર નહીં.'

'"ખબર નહીં" એટલે શું? તે પૈણવા નું નક્કી કરી લીધું! હું તને જયારે વખત થશે ત્યારે પૈણાવીશ, અને મારી પસંદ કરેલી છોડી જોડે, કોઈ શહેરી ચબુતરી જોડે નહીં.'

બાપા બહુ બોલ્યા એને. અલ્પેશ ત્યાં જ ઉભો રહ્યો અને એક નિસાસો એના માં થી નીકળી ગયો. જયારે એ બંધ થયા, અલ્પેશ મલક્યો. 

'ઠીક ત્યારે. હું છોડી દઈશ.'

'હં, એ જ સારું છે.'

જયારે બાપા ગયા અને અલ્પેશ ઉત્કર્ષા જોડે એકલો પડયો, એણે કહ્યું (તે આખો વખત બારણાં ની પાછળ ઉભી હતી અને તેણે બાપા ની દીકરા સાથે ની વાત સાંભળી લીધી હતી):

'આ આપણા માટે બહુ સારું નથી. મેળ નહીં પડે. સાંભળે છે? એ બહુ ગરમ થયા છે અને થવા નહીં દે.'

અને તે સાડી ના છેડા માં રડી પડી. 

અલ્પેશે એની જીભ ડચકારી. 

'પણ મારે એમનું કહ્યું કરવું જ પડશે. એવું લાગે છે આપણે આ વાત મૂકી દેવી પડશે.'

સાંજે જયારે વેપારી ની બાઈ એ એને દુકાન બંધ કરવા માટે બોલાવ્યો ત્યારે બોલી:

'એ, તે સાંભળ્યું તારા બાપા એ શું કહ્યું? તે એ મૂરખ જેવો વિચાર માંડી વાળ્યો કે નહીં?'

'હા.' અલ્પેશે કહ્યું, અને હસવા માંડયો, અને પછી તરત રડવા લાગ્યો. 

બસ તે દિવસ થી અલ્પેશે ઉત્કર્ષા જોડે લગ્ન ની વાત ઉથાપી નહીં અને પહેલા ની જેમ જિંદગી જીવવા લાગ્યો. 

એક દિવસ દુકાન ના ગુમાસ્તા એ એને છાપરા પર નળિયાં ઠીક કરવા મોકલ્યો. એ સીડી પર ચડયો, અને નળિયાં પર કામ કરતો હતો ને એકદમ એનો પગ સરક્યો અને એ એના ઓજારો સાથે નીચે પડયો. સીધો જમીન પર પડવાના બદલે બાજુ ની લોખંડ ની ઝાંપલી પર ટકરાયો અને પડયો. ઉત્કર્ષા વેપારી ની છોકરી સાથે દોડતી આવી. 

'બહુ વાગ્યું છે, અલ્પેશ?' એણે પૂછ્યું.

'વાગ્યું? ના ના, કંઈ નથી.'

એણે ઉભા થવા નો પ્રયત્ન કર્યો પણ થઇ ના શક્યો અને હસવા લાગ્યો. એ લોકો એને ઉંચકી ને તબેલા ના ઓરડા માં લઇ ગયા. દાક્તર નો સહાયક આવ્યો. એણે એને તપાસ્યો અને પૂછ્યું ક્યાં દુખે છે.

'બધે દુખે છે.' એણે કહ્યું. 'પણ કંઈ નથી. રહેવા દો. માલિક ગુસ્સે થશે. આપણે બાપા ને ખબર આપવી પડશે.'

અલ્પેશ બે દિવસ અને બે રાત ત્યાં પડી રહ્યો, અને ત્રીજા દિવસે એણે મંદિર માં થી મહારાજ ને બોલાવ્યા. 

'ઓહ, તું ખરેખર મરી જઈશ?' ઉત્કર્ષા બોલી. 

'એમાં શું?' અલ્પેશ હંમેશ ની જેમ ઉતાવળ માં બોલ્યો. 'તને એવું લાગે છે આપણે કાયમ જીવવાના છીએ? ક્યારેક ને ક્યારેક તો ઉપર જવાનું જ છે. મારા પર દયા રાખવા બદલ તારો આભાર. જોયું? સારું જ થયું આપણે લગ્ન ના કર્યા, નહીં તો એનો કોઈ મતલબ ના રહેત. હવે, બધું બરોબર જ લાગે છે.'

એણે મહારાજ સાથે હાથ જોડી ને હૃદય થી ભગવાન ની પ્રાર્થના કરી. એને અંતર માં થયું, જેમ અહીં બધા ની આજ્ઞા નું પાલન કર્યું અને કોઈ ને ના દુભવ્યા તો બધું સારું થયું, તેમ ત્યાં પણ સારું જ થશે.

એ બહુ બોલ્યો નહીં. બસ થોડું પાણી પીવા માગ્યું અને એને એના માં એક વિસ્મય નો પ્રાદુર્ભાવ થતો લાગ્યો. 

એકદમ એની આંખો અચરજ થી ભરાઈ ગઈ, પગ પ્રસરી ગયા અને મરી ગયો.